On this, our National Day, it falls to all patriots to consider the danger of drop bears.
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Happy Australia Day, folks.
Too bad I don’t have an Aussie National Banner. I’d fly it just to irritate the guilt ridden, politically correct masses.
The Heretic Murphy
Insurance
Mate, I was out on the outter perimeter last night checking for nutters and the likes, me pointy ( bush tucker man ) hat on, when I Had to stop the HAVOCKLAV. We got probs boyo!, I picked up at about 2K, a pair of weaponised dropbears, but they were on the back of two Snow white boomers, ripping it up somthing feirce..not fkn sure wether they were tanked or not but you better get that tourist notification out right fkn pronto. Weaponised Dropbears on Boomers….we need a new style of bull bar!…WEAPONISED!
Yarhaaarrrrrhgh! There be rum tonight. All hail Captain Barbossa, the scurviest and most villainous blackguard of our pirates is now Australian of the Year.
How very apt.
Ah, once again the spam wall hates me. Otherwise I would have edjumacated you all, as I did JB yesterday eve on twitter, as to the real reason why drop bears are able to conceal themselves so successfully.
It is really very simple – natural ozzie tomfoolery, plus the advent of stun guns and electric razors.
When you shave a drop bear, you get a bogan.
Which then enables them to get passports, and which explains the behaviour of Aussie backpackers the world over.
Think about it. It’s obvious. Neanderthal features. Limited comprehension. A tendency to violence and a passion for brawling, particularly once they’ve dropped off their bar stools after inhaling a few pints of VB.
And as for those bogan tattoos of the southern cross and the Australian flag they’re all adorned with, don’t for a moment think they lined up and got them done voluntarily. Oh, no no no. This is the standard Capture and Deport policy followed by immigration police in foreign lands. It’s important to stamp ‘return to sender’ in indelible ink on some highly obvious body part so that security at the OS airports all know to whack them hard across the noggin & dispatch them down under, STAT.
I am shocked and appalled that these simple facts are not listed anywhere in google.
For #shane.
It looks like this drop bear is trying to get overseas: http://twitpic.com/8bops0
What exactly is Australia Day? Isn’t every day down there Australia Day?
Oh you Aussies always trying to take the piss.
One only need wear a spiked Prussian helmet every where you go when visiting Oz as this is the well known defence against dropbears. I shall cut a real dash on the nudist beaches.
Trust me on this, Matt: our Aussie cousins do not merely try to take the piss – they succeed at taking the piss. And gilding the lily. And goading the greenies. Especially those fucking banana benders.
Australian slang is poetry.
Thanks for the leg up over the spam wall, Boss.
PNB, thanks to some changes made to our public holiday system by one John Howard, we no longer have a long weekend for Australia day at the end of January, but are forced to observe the actual day that it’s on the calendar.
What this means for my spouse, who is busy building hospitals, is that the Brothers in the construction union all downed tools at lunchtime Wednesday and will not be back at work until Tuesday (at which point they will have a blood alcohol level of ‘do not operate power tools or remain upright for the next 42 hours at risk of dire consequences’ – because as far as every red blooded Australian is concerned, no mongrel bastard PM has the right to rob us of our God given right to take the last Monday of January off.
New rules apply until the matter is corrected, i.e. 5 day weekend here we go, Release The Bogans, and don’t bother phoning in sick.
Viva la revolucion, Strayan style.
Unfortunately the powers that be aren’t terribly smart at understanding the subtlety of this noble crusade.
Happy Bogan Day, all.
As a Kiwi I will also celebrate the fact we are in your constitution. Let the Fosters (choke) and the XXXX (gag) flow on mighty white sand beaches wearing Thongs (Jandals), singlets and a great pair of stubbies (rugger shorts). Knowing that this constitution will allow the almost 5 million of us kiwis (500,000 or so in Australia already) become part of your great federation whenever we choose too. live long and prosper!
I love you, Auntie.
The theory I knew RE Drop bears related to Minimata sickness (heavy metals poisoning) & the Eucalypt habit of exporting toxins to the leaves which are then shed unless munched on by an unsuspecting koala.
PNB Keep your stinking thieving Seppo hands off our Aunty Q. She is an Oztrayan icon, as True Blue as Phar Lap, Lamingtons, Rusty Crowe & chilly bins.
Fuck you and your beard. She’s mine. Spiritually. But nothing more. Hell, her husband game me a tie that I wore when I argued in front of the California Supreme Court. I can’t mess with that.
“gave” me a tie. So sorry. I’m really, really drunk at this moment in time. It is SO beautiful. But in a totally subjective way, yanno?
Watch him.
He stole that tie, and he’ll be back to steal yours, too.
FKN lawyers.
He’ll be struggling.
I only have 4 ties; A Job Interview, B wedding, C Funeral & D Court.
When one has such a small stock, any AWOL attract immediate attention.
Stole it?? Stole it??? You said I could keep it.
They are not ties Professor Boylan, Sir. They are hoop snakes. I note that Mr Birmingham devoted much column space to drop bears but made no mention of hoop snakes. Shame, Mr Birmingham, Sir! The poor Professor will be taking the piss out of some supreme court judge and that hoop snake wrapped around his neck will roll off after some unsuspecting court stenographer, leaving him looking slovenly and unkempt. How much more cruel could Mr Birmingham be? None. None more cruel.
Bunyips were another oversight. These bloodsucking sloth-like creature may have abandoned the billabongs of this wide brown land in favour of Parliament House but tourists still need to be warned. Even if only to avoid Hoop Snake Road in Canberra.
The biggest threat to tourists and locals alike, though, are my Raterati. I am glad Mr Birmingham refrained from mentioning them as I am quite keen to watch an unsuspecting public run screaming from my Ninja Rodents as they pave the way with violent bloodshed for my upcoming long-term reign of tyranny. Mwahahahahaaaaaa!
This is a tie. I will post a pic on my website.
Seriously, Auntie Q – it is now my favorite tie. If it could speak, imagine the sordid judicial tales it would tell?
MM, the only time I have been anywhere near Parliament House I inadvertently took a vial of hash oil and an Opinel knife in with me. The only way I could stop the AFP from opening the former was to tell them it was scabies ointment, and the later was returned at the completion of my visit. I think once is enough for tender hearted soul like myself.
And I don’t actually suck blood, I normally just drain it out. Not that it going to make long pork any more kosher or halal, but hey, I do have standards.
There is a really bad joke in there about slurping on the juice of a Blue Tongue, but decorum prevents me from any further mentioning of it.
“The only time I have been anywhere near Parliament House I inadvertently took a vial of hash oil and an Opinel knife in with me.”
I need very much to party with you.
But query: what the fuck is a bunyip?
mmmmI DID wonder where bogans came from. Explains why I avoid them thar blighters like the plague they are.
Err hmmmmm As for ties and tie-claimery. mmmm. I likely have more ties than the lot of you. Seems at one point in my life I would claim a victory tie for services rendered *wink, wink, nudge nudge* if you get my drift. So, Mr Boylan, for whom did you provide said services for??? oooo does that mean Paul “legal Eagle” Boylan did Auntie Q??
No one Does our Aunty Q.
She does them.
So true, you bastard. I’ve seen – with my own eyes – her cat traps: weird mess-metal constructs leading from holes in her floor to cages under her house. I was terrified and amazed.
Auntie – when I visit Birsvaegas in October 2o21, with my wife in tow, may we relax in your hillside pool? Say yes or I will be deeply disappointed. And no one – and I mean non one – seeks to disappoint me.
Maggie: that is “Professor Boylan,” you jackinape. I didn’t manipulate the academic world to be called “Mister.”
You got me – Prof Boylan…. you got me.. (is that betterer??)
BUT I have my trophy ties. :)
I’m rather pleased to see PPnB using “bastard” the proper Bazza McKenzie fashion.
Oh & for all y’all that had a day off, you suck.
I worked. In the Fkn rain.
Happy Australia Day! Had the obligatory quota of beers and excessive gluttony. Excellent article on the dangers of drop bears, John. Thank goodness for Vegemite: Australia’s national salve/nutritious weapon. I think I will nominate you as Australian of the Year next year for your drop bear advocacy work, JB. Or not. Prof PNB: Australia Day (26 Jan) commemorates the arrival of the First Fleet in Australia in 1788 — ie for the settlement of the new European colony which went on to become Australia. Of course, indigenous Australians were here first. My great, great, great, great, great grandparents, Henry Kable and Suzannah Holmes, were convicts on the first ship (The Friendship) of the First Fleet. My great great great great great grandfather, Henry Kable, apparently carried Governor Arthur Phillip ashore. @Well, out of beer and cider, which is just as well. I feel like a bloated wombat this Australia Day. Must resume discipline. Watch your heads tonight, all. Don’t loiter under gum trees. Drop bears are weirdely cute with their fuzzy orange ears and sensitive noses, but they swipe hard with their massive claws and iron-crushing jaws. Take care, and Happy Oz Day.
“I worked. In the Fkn rain” Oh bliss! I think I’ll have one of the good reds to celebrate, from the $12 cask. It’s worth paying more for the best. Somewhere I have a Ken Done silk tie (a gift, OK?) It looks like a strip of sick. The best is probably the one with all the naked Greek soldiers & athletes. Also a gift. Of which no more will be said.
Blast! Fifi’s been using my wine to clean the carby again.
My hill side pool is better than Quokka’s. It has a beer ledge.
Mr Birmingham, Sir, we are all well acquainted with your pool although none of us will accept responsibility for the port wine jelly stains on the tiles.
Oct 2021?! That’s a long time to wait to go in Q’s pool, Paul. Thought you were visiting Oz again this year. Oct 2012. All should buy you a gaudy tie. I will keep my eyes open for the tackiest tie ever, kind professor, one you can wear with pride. It’s only right.
Pool… beer ledge. Sounds cool.
PNB, a Bunyip aka Bunjil or Bunyil is a mythic creature (which generally, despite geographic variations to the story) dwelt/dwells in rivers or waterholes, is large, powerful, possessing some degree of supernatural powers, and generally of bad temperament. And likes to eat people and/or children.
I have been afflicted by Bunyip Gut on too many a morning after to buy into that ‘mythical creature’ crap.
Good Professor, Bunyip’s description omitted to mention that the bunyip has a hairy back. (perhaps because he is unable to see his own). I, however, have awoken many times to the sight of a hairy bunyip back on the aforementioned mornings after. Mayhem, dear, if you are reading this of COURSE I am referring to your father. He never could get his toupee to stay in place as he slept.
Indeed PNB, but they don’t get to pull one over on me this time as an Australian kindly gave me the insider’s tip about the wearing my Prussian spiky hat at all times, which apparently all Aussies know but never usually tell us Poms. I know it’s true because a slightly punchy Scots bloke backed him up.
My pool has an armory and a zombie defense tower.
While you drink yourself into hitler-moustached nikko pen oblivion, we will be fending off the shambling hordes from the safety of my spa.
The funny thing is, Quokka’s pool does have a zombie defense tower with a single, steep defensible stair & excellent views. The pool is also indoors which is great for those of us who aren’t keen on sunlight. Must have missed the armory – is it behind the naked “classical” statue Q? Your dungeon would make a decent armory though, with the bars and all.
Set of pointy headed stakes and sharp implements below the tower which may have escaped your notice, GB.
The statue was only there to confuse PNB.
The fanged gargoyle has since been repositioned, the better to discourage unauthorized entry by the neighbours children.
“The fanged gargoyle” is a pretty fair description of Greybeard, if only you could get “Zepplin shaped” in there somewhere as well.
My understanding is that the best defense against drop bears is to hire a Thai midget that has been trained in an esoteric martial art, arm them with a machete and then carry them about on one’s shoulders.
Oh, and wear a viking helmet to protect the noggin from awkward swings of said machete and/or to pick off any DBs missed by the Thai midget.
Note: Do not be fooled into hiring a dwarf. They are much denser than midgets and have a very high center of gravity that will mess with your sense of balance. I mean, you could go for a dwarf if there are no midgets available, but you should take some time to practice first. Maybe some sprints and such. And stretching is key.
Pro Tip: Have the midget bathe in a nice garlic, ginger soy marinade in the event that you need to eject the little bastard if you get swarmed. The DBs will be on him like white on rice giving you time to get away.
Regards,
Rhino
You people are really weird.
Captain Odd reporting.
Dear MM, I was curious about your claim that I have a hairy back. I asked one of the geeklette’s that seem to plague my domicile, and he stated it was so.
I have locked the cheeky bugger in the laundry cupboard, and have put him on bread and water. Do you have any good gruel recipes, or should I talk to Greybeard?
Rhino, regarding the marinade…. have you tried dousing them in stout, and sticking cloves of garlic or sprigs of rosemary in any available orifice or crevasse?
Oh. I thought we were cooking them. My bad.
Carry on, nothing to see here.
Mr Bunyip, Sir, your post regarding recipes was answered in your second post to Mr Rhino. Simply douse the geeklet in stout and stuff garlic and rosemary in any available orifice. It’s the only way to make a cheeky bugger edible.